Sorta like waiting for a car accident....

I mean you know it's going to suck and hurt and you really don't know the outcome. You assume at the end of the crash though you will walk away with a no cuts or bruises, or in this case a wonderful little human being, but really there are so many uncertainties that you really are just...waiting. 


Of course I'm talking about going into labor. There is nothing more frustrating then sitting here just waiting for the pain to start. I think what's more frustrating is that you are WANTING it to start because that means the end is near. But still, you know it's going to be awful. 


It's crazy to think women look forward to this (me too at this point) endurance test. I mean really, pushing a water melon out is not enjoyable what so ever, AND I haven't even gotten there yet. But if I can say one thing about pregnancy, it does a fine job setting you up for the most painful job of all- raising a human being and praying that the outcome is favorable and that they aren't serial killers. In other words, that after the crash, there aren't many cuts and bruises. Because lets face it, labor is just the start :)

Selfish or understandable?

I have been having this internal fight since I found out I was pregnant. The plan when we bought the house was that we would all (by all I mean us and father in law) would live in the house for two years, then separate, however that was to work. Well obviously things have changed quite a bit. We really didn't expect getting pregnant so soon, in fact we'd thought we'd just now be starting this adventure, but alas that is not the case. So for a few months now I have been doing this dance between my rational thoughts, my needs, my wants, my independence, my love of my family, and of course, my intense hormones. Let me tell you, not easy to be rational or selfless while driving on pure emotion, AND I was already pretty passionate with emotion prior to baby. But now, I just feel bipolar. I want so bad, more then anything to be alone. To live alone, to have a life to myself (and by myself I mean with Aaron) and to start this family in a harmonious way. NON of which I have at the moment.
So baby is not due for another 4 or 5 months BUT I want time to ourselves, to get our budget square and most importantly to have some alone time before D Day. So I ask, is this selfish or understandable? It is half his house so I feel like I can't kick him out, but the resentment is starting to set in. How come he doesn't want to move out, let us have our own space? And I'm not always nice WHICH I HATE. He doesn't deserve that, however I can't help it. I want things my way. I'm a homemaker and I treat my dog a certain way, I don't feel that is out of line, however he does things completely different. So we have this talk last month, "move out or we move out" type thing, then I got over it. Having a really good cry, and by cry I mean hyperventilation, and pulled up my big girl panties, and I dealt, and it's been fine. I have known due to my husbands reassurance that he'd be gone around May. OK awesome, I can do that. Leaves me two plus months to get things together. Not perfect but it will work. UNTIL TODAY! He's leaving on a month trip. NOW, at the beginning of April. So what the fuck is going to happen when he gets back? How is he going to find a place to live? And if we were the ones to leave- which I feel we shouldn't have to do- why not say something sooner? I would have already found a place. Honestly! And although I should be ecstatic that he's going to be gone, I can't help being SO upset that when he gets home, he will still be sitting on the couch. He has not even brought up the moving subject since our talk. He doesn't seem to be in any hurry. And do I have a right to be upset...I honestly don't know. I can just see it, it's July and he finally moves and then I'm 8 months preggo and not able to do any of the things I want to do...like paint a nursery. Which I feel I should have a right to do. This is why I bought a house. And he doesn't like this house, I do- for the time being. I don't want to make things uncomfortable but I'm so unhappy. And I really don't know if I'm being selfish and just pregnant or if I have a real reason to be upset. We did have a deal but on the other hand, his son and wife are expecting their first child and have never ever lived alone. And all I want to do is crawl into Aaron's arms and he take care of it, but how do you kick out your dad, from his house? And he's not even home to vent too, which is hard too. It is his dad, I'm sure he's sick of the venting. I feel very alone......

Half way there!

The first time I wrote, I talked about my anxieties of not feeling overly excited for this baby. Well I have to admit I'm still not doing cartwheels- not that I could- BUT the excitement is there. It's just different then I thought. I believe I felt the baby move for the first time this weekend- bout damn time! Apparently they like dance compeitition weekends because he or she was going  NUTS during solos! Could they have been sensing mama's nerves- possibly! And if I didn't give them baby shaken syndrome with all my jumping up and down, we are good! However now that I am clearly pregnant and starting to get a bit uncomfortable, I'm really starting to like it. I want to meet this little person. Who are they? What are they- still keeping it a secret-yikes!? Who will they look like, act like? Honestly I really hope they have their dad's sense of humor, quick witt, and brains. So what am I leaving them? Maybe some coordination and a kind heart. Good enough I guess :) But as I sit here growing as we speak, tired, and ready to snap if my father in law doesn't move out soon, I just keep thinking- HOLY SHIT, I'M HAVING A BABY! I just pray God blesses me with a healthy baby and not an axe murderer. So...so far so good! 20 weeks and counting.

Here's to the Tadpole!

Judd, Party of 3!

WOW...that is all I have to say! I mean I expected to happen, but this soon? I am trying to wrap my head around it and yet to have the "OMG I'M PREGNANT" feeling of joy. I am excited but I am not sure I am EXCITED. More scared shitless! But I know that is normal or at least common in new moms. I have friends that I have been trying for so long, I know their excitement would be through the roof, it sorta makes me feel undeserving of such a precious gift. But do all moms, even those wanting a child so badly, really have that euphoric feeling right off the bat? I feel that it would be impossible to be really really ready. I have met a few and kudos to them, hell of a women that is ready to change their life in nine months and be prepared to do so at the drop of a...sperm...in this case. So until I either start getting fat (well fatter, already changing before my eyes) or I can feel this tadpole, I think I still might be in disbelief. But now in disbelief not drinking alcohol or coffee...could be a long trimester!

Till next time.....me and my tadpole are going to pray for no morning sickness!

The lost art of communication!

 I write this not for any specific reason, but it has been on my mind a lot lately!

What are people so afraid of? Why is talking versus writing so intimidating? I have been watching this trend lately (and I am at fault for this too) of people avoiding conversation. But what are they really avoiding- confrontation! I hate it too, but sometimes, a good conversation can cure almost any problem. But TALKING- not emailing or writing and by all means, NOT texting, people can understand what a person is trying to say. Looking at eyes and body language and mannerism, inflections in the voice! That is all part of the art of communication! So many times things are horribly miss communicated because and email does not deliver sympathy or emotion. It can how so ever deliver a raw message which is just as horribly miss communicated, leaving a person to feel shocked and without recourse! Where is the other person opportunity to rebut, defuse, or protest if the deliveree is unwilling to allow that communication. In a simple (or not so simple) conversation-preferably in person- you can read a person for what they really mean, not what you assume. It is just as bad as listening to hearsay and assuming the worse! Guess what, problems don't get solved by assumptions. There, I said it, you have got to COMMUNICATE with your voice if you want people to understand your thoughts! So there it is, plain and simple. Stop writing out of fear that someone is going to hurt YOUR feelings and man up. Allow others to help you understand whatever it is that you need to work out. Buy not giving your friends, family, or colleagues a good ear-full, you might be missing what you need to hear most!

Bad at Bloging?? Survey Says: YES

OK so I was really gung-ho about this blogging thing. Thinking that I could be that one random person that has cool enough, off the cuff comments and thoughts that Oprah might find me amusing and I could get famous....well I guess I would have to blog to actually get noticed! Again one more thing I have started then pissed my way out of! I promise my faithful 3 that I will write more often! Like about Oklahoma and how it really is a back-ass- wards state. Or my new endeavors at work and that I would like to shoot myself now...but hopefully in 10 weeks, life will be at peace again, cus my man is coming home! Woot Woot! And we can blog together, cus lets face it, HE is the witty one and I just look pretty (sometimes).

Love- Your Tour Guide to Living Big With a Knock Louie Wallet!

we are judd......

There is a million reasons why people write. For education, for venting, for fun, to get famous. I guess I have a little of every reason for starting a blog. I have always wanted to write and let people hear my thoughts. Lord knows I say enough of them out loud. But mainly I am looking for something new. So boredom, I guess? But not because my husband is gone or because I need one more thing on my plate, but bored with my own existence. I need something new.  All those things that you were going to do by this certain age and in this certain capacity doesn't happen, then all of a sudden "now what?" I still have the same fucking needs to do more with this life as I did when I was "young and ambitious"... I think ambition left sometime during my 6 year of college, when I became an adult. And now here I am, with a great life that I did not see coming and......bored. So maybe a blog will do it?? And better yet, we'll let hubby be involved, hence "we are judd." He's there, I'm here. He'll write and I'll write and it'll be a virtual journal of shit no one cares about...but it will be Judd shit. Our values, thoughts, and points of view that makes us one person in many ways. And with that frame of mind, I look on to the unknown future and all it's mystery...maybe the written world will reveal something new for us because at this point, I just pray that I find myself doing something other then sitting on my ass in 3 years waiting for something great to happen...time to make it happen. So that's it- why I am writing a blog....so hopefully Oprah will see this and put me on her reading list!